27 weeks 4 days

I have a lot to process. Yesterday I was 27 weeks 4 days pregnant with my second child – my first boy. Today I am (duh) 27 weeks, 5 days. It’s a steady march onward and for that I am incredibly grateful. I have placenta previa with this pregnancy and have been on bedrest since Christmas Day (coincidentally the date of my first bleed). I am having a hard time with that a little – mostly because I want to be up and playing with my beautiful two year old daughter. But I can’t, and as a nurse in the hospital in Sarasota (where we were vacationing at Christmas) said to me – “Darlin, it’s what being a mama is. You protect your babies however you can and if it means spending three months on your back then you do it.” She was right. You do it.

The thing is, yesterday I had a level II ultrasound to look at the baby’s heart. They saw a ventricular defect – a small hole, which they wanted to investigate. They will do a fetal echo next week to confirm it and see if there’s anything else wrong. This is okay – everything they’ve seen they are saying is “fixable”. It will likely resolve on its own even. The thing that has sent me spinning into this crazy black hole is the part where the doctor suggested we might want to have an amnio to “rule out chromosomal abnormalities.” She said that chances are he’s fine, but it would be good to rule things out. For me…I don’t know what to do with that. But I’m not afraid to admit that I’m terrified. On one hand, she’s a high risk doctor who deals with a lot of “stats” every day. Maybe what she’s saying is that the chances of us having a baby with this type of abnormality have gone from 1 in 800 to 1 in 400. Or is she saying it’s now 1:2? I don’t know. From what I’ve read it seems like a lot of people with things like Downs Syndrome have these types of heart defects. But the reverse doesn’t seem to be true – I read in a few places that something like 95% of people with this type of heart defect don’t have any chromosomal abnormalities. So why did the doctor say that?

I know that I love him already. I know that I want a chance to get to know him, whoever he is. I know that I’m scared to death. I know that in some ways I’m grieving even now for the person I’m afraid he won’t be. That’s the problem with this kind of thing isn’t it? You get to be “prepared”. You get to “know in advance”. But the problem is that with something like this, all you get to see is who he won’t be. It isn’t until he’s born that you get to see all the wonderful and amazing things that he WILL be.

I don’t know how to cope with this really. Maybe writing about it will help.

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