I have this new theory that came to me yesterday. I think it’s like this: there is this insane sadness and I guess still kind of shock that takes up a good portion of my brain a good portion of the time. It depends on the day – the minute really – how much of my brain space that takes up. On a pretty good day – a day when I can remember him and smile, laugh at my two year old, talk with my husband almost normally – the sad maybe takes up something like 30-40% of my brain. So you know, it’s clear to people who know me that I’m not “normal” but I can really fake it pretty well.

Then there are the days or hours or minutes where the sadness is really close to the surface and it takes like 80% of my brain power to deal with the sadness – so I don’t do as well maintaining casual conversation or anything else.

I guess the goal is to get the sad down to like 5 or 10% most of the time. I wonder how long that will take?

I am finding that I am really bad about being spontaneous – that I need to plan things out and that if something happens to change that I don’t deal with it especially well. It’s like a change causes a spike to the sad percentage and I almost panic. Yesterday a really good and wonderful friend called to see if I wanted to go to a movie. She has a six week old daughter who is beautiful and nothing like Oliver and who I am perfectly okay to be around – so it would have been a mom’s movie thingy. I instantly panicked and then said I couldn’t go because I was in the middle of some stuff here – which was untrue.

I just went into overload and panicked – what if I was trapped in a movie theater and got sad and couldn’t leave? (Because sitting in the dark would have been so obvious). What if I started lactating because there were other crying babies there? (I’m barely even making milk anymore and I never did get to nurse Oliver…so probably that would not have been a problem). What if there was a baby there who looked like Oliver? (Right, because there are so many parents of three pound babies who say “Hey, here’s a good idea! Lets go to a movie in a really cold place during RSV season! It’s brilliant!”).

None of the reasons made any sense but I couldn’t think it through properly so I panicked and said no.

I hate that. I hate that I did that. I hate that  I can’t process information at a normal rate, and that even when I think I’m being normal it’s pretty clear to other people that I’m not.

I think I should probably explain to my friend why I panicked. I wonder if I need to use my sad percentage analogy? Lets hope not. No need to make her think I’m screwier than I am.


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