Getting outta dodge.

Enough is enough, yes? We are jumping ship for a couple of weeks and heading to North Carolina. We need to be somewhere not freezing and to get some distance and to process everything that’s happened and how we want to go forward. It seems like we can’t possibly just revert to being the family of three that we were, and yet there are the three of us here still and we are doing a whole lot of fun and silly stuff together all the time. Anika is nothing short of hilarious – she’s two, after all. So while we get the occasional “mommy sad?” comments, we get the “Hello mommy! Jump!” comments far more often and they are much funnier I think.

I have said before there is so much I am grateful for in this – and one of the things I am so pathetically grateful for is my daughter. She is keeping us going in many ways and keeping us laughing – a lot, actually. I never thought we would be but we are. But there’s also the part where I don’t have to have a total identity crisis in this. I have imagined a few times how much harder this would have been if Oliver was my first child – I can’t imagine what it would be liked to be thrust into the role of “mom” and then ripped out of it again just as fast. To still be a mom but not a practicing mom, and the pain of that…it takes my breath away to even think about it; my heart just completely goes out to all the women who have gone through that. I can’t imagine.

I think we are viewing this trip as a kind of cathartic – we knew we were going to go the night he died; we just didn’t know how quickly we could make it happen. We need to spend some time together and figure things out.

One of the things that’s tough is that I was planning to stay home with the kids after my mat leave was over this time. I hated going back to work and leaving Ani and I just felt like it was time to be home and actually making my family a priority. But now, everything is different. And when you look at the changes and the economy and everything else it maybe no longer makes sense for me to quit my job. So we need to think about what we want to do and how we want things to be for us now.

Amazing really how different things are now than they were a month ago.


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