Feeling like an ass.

How many kids do you have?

Innocuous question. HAAAhahahahaha. Ha.

I answer “One. I mean two. I mean one. I mean I have one here. My son died.” And then I burst into tears.

NICE TO MEET YOU STRANGER.

But I don’t know what to say or how to answer. Answering truthfully is painful – very painful – and apparently makes me cry. But saying I have only one child is a) a lie and b) feels like I’m rejecting him somehow.

How do I handle these situations?

I ended up talking to the girl for awhile and explaining things more fully and she was lovely and supportive about it and for that I am profoundly thankful. Even though I am unlikely to see her again I will remember the encounter and her graciousness.

The problem is of course that the whole sadbrain thing gets out of whack – and there I am in a social situation where I’m surrounded by fifteen or so strangers – friends of friends, lovely caring people who are also Christians and who made a point of praying for us through all of this – they really are lovely. But they are still people I don’t really know that are having a hang out night and invited us, and in a normal world that’s great – I can be as outgoing and social as the next girl. But after the encounter with the girl who asked about my kids…the sadbrain percentage went way too high and then I had to try to do the turn on the charm, be outgoing and social and friendly with only maybe 10% of my brain functioning – not so successful really. I ended up in the playroom with Ani most of the night. It was convenient really, since MAN was she clingy anyway. Glom on mom indeed.

Every so often I worry that I’m not missing him enough or that I’m “forgetting” or something. Demons, demons. Begone. Then a night like tonight happens and I realize exactly how raw and broken I still am.

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