Glow in the woods 7×7

I so have to get a computer that is not my husband’s and not my work machine. Because when he’s on vacation? I don’t get to write. (Though having him home is great).

I’m jumping on board with the Glow in the Woods 7×7 post – because it made me think and because I don’t have to be brave enough to actually comment on a message board because eek! Shy, is what I’m saying.

1 | Give us a few words you would have used to describe your body, your health or your sense of physical vitality before the experience of babyloss—and a few that you’d use to describe it now.

I think that before I would have said my body and health were great – not perfect; not completely what I wanted them to be – but I was strong. I was working out regularly – a lot of yoga. I think I was pretty in tune with my body and I was proud of it – what it had done, giving birth to my daughter, nursing her for as long as I did, that kind of thing.

After losing Oliver….eeshk. It’s a hard thing to say, and I guess probably it’s still too soon. I find I am more ashamed of my physical appearance now than I was before – ashamed of the baby weight, like because there’s no baby anymore I’m not entitled to have the same curve everyone else does regaining physical fitness. Intellectually I know it’s only been 7 weeks since his birth (and six since his death) and it’s unreasonable to expect something of myself that I wouldn’t be expecting if he’d lived. I don’t know how I’ll feel when more time has passed.

2 | What do you do to take care of yourself? Has this changed?

I used to do a lot of yoga, and just try to spend time with my family. And drink wine. Now? Now I make sure I shower every day. I am going to start working out again in a couple of weeks – I randomly met a woman a week ago who is starting a training practice for post partum women and will train me for free for 12 weeks. Answers to prayer anyone? I am still finding my balance and I guess time will tell how this will change later.

3 | Give us one or two words to describe sex or physical intimacy before, and then after the loss of your baby.

Before: Wheeeee! Fun! After: Wheee? Fun…but….there’s a but.

4 | Has loss and/or grief left a physical mark on you (a scar, a chronic condition, insomnia, a tattoo)?

I have a c-section scar which I did not have before. I guess I have some internal scarring where they accidentally went through the front and back of my uterus, and it’s funny but most days the weight of those scars is heavier than the external c-section scar.

5 | Do you medicate or control your emotions with food, wine, altered states, prescriptions? Without judgement, what have you gravitated towards in an effort to heal, and how do you feel about it?

I haven’t really medicated…I don’t think I need to at this point but I guess I wouldn’t rule anything out. I have definitely enjoyed a few glasses of wine…and regular coffee. I am such a rebel. I’d drink beer but I’m afraid of it – I had one a couple of weeks after he died and I will tell you for free that does NOT help with the stopping lactating.

6 | Was physical healing important for you in the first year after your loss? What did/does physical healing entail and how did/do you work towards it? If physicality hasn’t been a priority for you, what do you do that makes you feel stronger or more able to cope?

I can’t really answer this well yet but I think that physical healing is important for me now – very important. I need to get stronger physically; to reclaim my body – to fight back, in a way, against what has happened to us and to say that this will *not* change us for the worse. Beating my body into shape seems as good a way as any to me at this point. But I also am really really focused on getting the c-section scars healed. Because I am pretty sure I’m not finished with my family yet. I want more children, and while I’m too scared to think about it yet I know that at some point I will be, if we are ready, and I want to be really sure my body is ready for that.

7 | If you could change anything about your body and/or health, what would it be? What would it feel like to be either at peace with your body, or at peace with this babylost state?

I guess physically knowing that my uterus had healed completely and was ready for whatever might come next would be the biggest thing I would change. If that happened, and I regained my former shape – I’m not talking wedding day shape here people, just stronger and able to wear pants – I think I’d feel at peace with my body. At peace with having lost Oliver….that’s not something I know how to answer right now.

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