I have noticed that I am being really hard on myself and the physical shape I’m in. Intellectually I know that I am being silly; I had a baby eight weeks ago and even though he isn’t here there was still a pregnancy and it still did normal pregnancy things to my body. Very physical reminder that “hey, guess what? This happened.”

Except that I hate that my pants don’t fit. I want to get back into shape – more than that, I need to get back into shape. I need to have a physical rebirth of sorts, to emerge from this stronger, more powerful. Not the same as I was before – I am changed and will be changed because of this – but better. And I don’t mean that in a “I want to be model thin” sort of way. I guess in a way it’s like marking that Oliver was here. He changed me in every way – as a mother; as a girl; as a wife; spiritually; emotionally; physically. All of who I am is different because of his life and his death.

I want the ways in which I am different to be better because of him. I don’t want any of the changes to be negative – I feel like that is no way to honor my son. Some of the changes will take time; I know that. I can’t be stronger emotionally just because I want to be. I am sad right now and I am okay with that. I look forward to a day when the sadness is more bittersweet, less acute….but that isn’t something I can rush, and I don’t want to. But I think that I am ready to reclaim my physical self – to really take care of the body that was strong enough to keep him safe for as long as it did.

Somewhat surprisingly I found a personal trainer who wants to start a postpartum practice, and she is going to take a friend of mine and I on for free for 12 sessions. This should be a good jump start I think. Rather alarmingly the rest of the time the girl trains police officers and military personnel…should I be concerned??

We start Tuesday. Wish me luck – not only with the workouts but also with filling out the form that the gym requires.  What was your birth experience like? Are you breastfeeding? How do you feel about being a mother? All I can say is thank goodness I’ve been practicing toning down the sarcasm because otherwise, some gym personnel person would get one HECK of an eyefull.


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