Keep on keeping on.

You know, sometimes the writing thing? Gets kind of hard. Actually, it’s not the writing – it’s the emotion and grief and realness of everything that gets overwhelming and I guess it got a bit too big for me last week. I could write today about how hard it was to write my letter to Oliver…and then to take it to the funeral home and let it go to be with him when he was cremated. That was hard – I think because (irrationally) it felt like the last thing I could really do for him. Which isn’t true really, but it felt like that and I was spectacularly unprepared for it to feel like that. And then about knowing he was going off to be cremated somewhere or other and you know…the long and short of it is last week was really hard and now I am through it and will keep on going until the next thing.

But hey! Lets talk about the workouts. Sweet Lord have mercy.  We have now had three of them (fourth to come later this afternoon, assuming I can get out of this chair). The first two were…good. We walked into this gym the first day and I swear, it looked more like some dude’s garage or something than a gym. It’s pretty small really. And there are things hanging from the ceiling, all over the place – rings, and chin up bars, and stuff like that. And then there were kettle bells and some free weights and bars and stuff. And then there were mats and 2′ high boxes. And a rowing machine. In short, it looked NOTHING LIKE a Goodlife or any other gym I’ve been to ever. There were no stairmasters anywhere, is what I’m saying. So okay. The first workout was fine. We worked through some warm up stuff and then did some “skill” stuff – I think the first day we did some pushups, modified ones. I was completely horrified to find out I could not do even one modified pushup. Bedrest = awesome. So I did pushups on the wall. Wheee. Anyway, then she had us row 500m as fast as we could. So that was fine. And then (hahahahaha) it was time for the actual workout. Basically the workouts are circuits that are timed – so she had us do something like 5 pushups on the wall, and then plank on the ball for 20 seconds, and then ten step ups onto that 2′ high box. Do that three times as fast as you can and she times us.

So that was the first workout, and it was fine. I was sore the next day, being as spectacularly out of shape as I am, but I did not die. Go team. Thursday’s workout was similar. A little more challenging, but again nothing that made me want to fall down or throw up on anybody.

Then we got to Tuesday. Oh my. Apparently she decided that we were hard core and competitive (hah) and um….yeah. Girlfriend made us work in a serious way. I have not come that close to passing out since running the half marathon a zillion years ago, and I am so frickin sore still. I am a little bit in shock that she’s going to make us do it again today.

It’s interesting though – I am stronger than I thought I would be (pushups not withstanding, grrrr). I guess there’s something to that muscle memory thing – it’s coming back faster than I thought. I am also finding it cathartic. I’m working hard enough that I don’t have to think much (which – GOOD), and as I said to my friend today, it feels like a way to fight back against the grief. Grief is so heavy – it’s like a weight that’s on you all the time. The physical activity is really making me feel like I am pushing back against it…maybe even loosening it’s hold on me a little bit.

I say that now of course. This afternoon I may fall down and not get up again. We will see. Hah.


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