Deep Breaths

Okay, so still a *little* pissy, but in a mildly better mood tonight. My doctor wants to check my thyroid. I want to let her – it would explain so much on the weight front. Grrrr. I keep wondering how much of this is because there is a big part of me that wants to get pregnant again and I am so determined to be in shape by then. How much of it is me wanting to Do It Better next time – even though what happened to Oliver doesn’t actually have any relationship to anything I did or didn’t do. I still have to give it my best shot I think.

Mostly I’m just tired. So very tired. I don’t know if it’s the weight of the grief, or a screwy thyroid, or all the working out, or all of the above – but I’m so tired.

I also have to figure out how to avoid going back to work (or quitting) a little while longer. My mat leave ends in a few weeks so I need to figure out how to buy myself some time with sick leave. I think maybe that’s weighing on me too.

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will drink some coffee, and make a list of the things I want to do, and do it. And then I will feel better about my checklist of things I’ve finished. ADMIRE THE OPTIMISM. We’ll see how that goes. Perhaps I need two cups of coffee?

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One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Catherine on May 28, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    Hope the doctor can sort you out Captain P. Can’t believe how much working out you are doing, I know it is easier said than done but try not to be so hard on yourself. I’m still lugging around a good extra 10lbs and I have not been pregnant for coming up to nine months (can it be?) and have not done ANY working out. I also feel like I should be preparing my body to be at its best for the next (hypothetical still) pregnancy. The Do It Better Next Time thing is fairly ingrained in me too.

    Also hope you hit upon a cunning plan to prevent you going back to work for a while. xx

    Reply

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