So, “soon” is relative, right??

Yeah, you know how that inertia thing happens? The thing where you mean to write all this stuff but then there’s always people all over everywhere and stuff to do and all of that and then you don’t write it down and then it becomes bigger than you wanted it to be and so very complicated to start talking about even though in real life it’s not and GAH GET OVER YOURSELF ALREADY CHRISTY.

It’s like that.

But hi! Hello! How are you?

Let’s talk about the high risk doctor’s appointment. First off, to go to the appointment we had to go back to the hospital where I spent the last few weeks of pregnancy, and where Oliver was born. Not where he died (that was next door), but still – all so very *very* connected to him. And the office space was right smack between labour and delivery, the birth unit, and the ultrasound rooms. Wheee.

So we went back and you know, it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I prayed a lot leading up to the appointment – not for any one outcome, just that we’d leave the appointment feeling positive. And we totally did. First off, going back there wasn’t that bad. It helped that it wasn’t late January, covered in snow and ice and freezing. Instead it was late June, sunny, and gorgeous. I was in a skirt and a sleeveless top. It didn’t bear much resemblance to what went before. So that was kind of nice.

Then there was the doctor himself. It happened to be a doc I hadn’t met during my three week stay prior to delivery – somehow I saw the resident the day he was on or something; who knows. But he won me over immediately, by doing two things. First he acknowledged our loss and said how sorry he was. I find that there are people who kind of gloss over it a little and he didn’t – he took a moment to acknowledge it and to look at us. Then he asked us how we were doing – both of us, not just me. That struck me because I’ve noticed that so often people kind of look past Brandon’s pain in all of this. They focus on me more, and you know, it happened to both of us. So I liked that he did that.

He let us know then that he was the husband of the pediatric cardiologist who was with us at the children’s hospital. She was so lovely and she was there the night he died – her face stands out to me. So he had some connection to us that also resonated with me.

The short version, for us, is that there isn’t actually a lot to worry about. We’ve got a five percent chance of another previa occurring, and that’s probably the highest risk we run. We’ve got a 1-2% chance of another heart defect. And the chances of a uterine rupture from trying again soon is even lower than that. So basically, we’ve got a 95% chance of everything going perfectly normally. He said that we didn’t have to wait at all; we’re fine to try when we want. He said they’d treat me as high risk for the first half of the pregnancy just to make sure everything was okay – but that if everything was fine by 18 or 20 weeks, they’d happily transfer me back to the lower risk practice on the other side of the city.

So….good? I think? I’m actually very happy with all of this. It was a good appointment and I was SO relieved to have it over with. To know, I guess, that I can go back there and be okay. That I don’t have to be afraid of it; it’s just a place. I don’t want to go back to the children’s hospital at all but….I think, based on this, that I probably can. If I had to. Which I really do not want to. But I could do it and be okay.

Now of course the decision is just how aggressively we want to jump back on that horse. For the most part I’d rather just put it in God’s hands. I am ready for another child, and I will be scared but there will always be some amount of fear and sadness I think. I want to just trust God to know what’s best for us and let it be. I can *almost* make my peace with that. But this month, this cycle, is one year since I conceived Oliver. And…I’m scared of having another pregnancy track at exactly the same timeline as his did. Which maybe doesn’t matter but…I don’t know. I don’t mean, to be clear, that when I say we’ll just trust God that we’ll throw all caution to the wind and start ovulation predictors and whatever else. I just mean that we’ll take things as they come. I have a pretty solid understanding of my cycle, when I ovulate, etc. and I think we may avoid “happy hour” when I know I’m ovulating for a little while longer at least. But who knows. It’s actually really scary having the decision completely in my hands. I didn’t want to have to wait a really long time. But now that I know I can do this any time I want to it’s kind of frightening.

I worry sometimes that I’m not as ready as I think I am – that I’m repressing some part of the grieving or something and that it’s going to spill over and drown me when I’m pregnant again. But then I think there’s really only one way to find out isn’t there?

I don’t know. We’ll see what happens I guess. But overall I am pretty happy with the appointment. This…this I can deal with.


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