Pondering Stuff

So I’ve been thinking today about a theoretical next time – a next pregnancy. I’ve been wondering about whether or not we will tell people. On the one hand, you usually wait x weeks or months or whatever to make sure things are “okay” before letting the world know. I mean, that’s standard operating procedure for most folks, right?

But after being to the worst place things can ever go, I kind of laugh at that. It feels…superstitious somehow; like something that doesn’t actually matter all that much. And frankly, no matter *what* happens with the next pregnancy I think we’re going to need all the support we can get. People stood by us through this in a big way. If something bad should happen in the first weeks of another pregnancy, I think we’d need the support….and even if it doesn’t; even if everything is perfect I think we’ll need the support.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about taking out ads in the paper or plastering the news all over twitter or facebook or splashing it on a tshirt or something. Am not really that kind of girl regardless. I’m talking basic sharing of news with friends and family.

So on one hand it feels like silly superstition to wait x weeks to share news with people. I mean, really. We have learned in a very painful way that a) bad things are not confined to the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, and b) we need our friends and family. So my feeling is kind of laugh in the face of fear, stare into the barrel of the gun, march bravely into the next pregnancy with shoulders back and all of the depth of love and compassion and faith and emotion that we know we are capable of because of Oliver’s short life.

The thing that gives me pause about it is my mom. I think that she will be terrified next time – afraid that something will happen; that things will go bad. Mom likes to operate from a worst case scenario perspective a lot of the time – she’s not a negative person; she just has a way of assessing a situation and thinking about what the worst outcome might be and going from there. Losing Oliver was….well. No words really. But it shattered something in her a little bit, I think. She always took it for granted that things would go fine in pregnancies. They always had for her and her mother. She was there when Oliver died – by fate or the hand of God she made it to the hospital about half an hour before he slipped away. I’ll talk about this more sometime; not tonight I don’t think.

So this makes me wonder, would it be better or easier for her if she didn’t know right away? Save her a couple of months of worry? I don’t know. Should that matter?

I also wonder about whether or not I’d find out the sex of the baby next time. We did with Anika, and with Oliver – and in general I love knowing. It makes me feel so much closer to them; so much more connected to know who they are. But….I worry a little bit about how I’ll react. If it’s another boy, if I’ll immediately assume the worst and not attach to him as much until later.

Such consternation given that I’m not even pregnant yet. Or really trying for that matter. Or anything really.


2 responses to this post.

  1. I also ponder all these questions long and hard and I’m not even pregnant yet. Or trying. I loved reading this post. I love your writing Christy. Sorry I pinched your cheerleading thing at GITW but it was so perfect! I do that cheerleading thing too, just to try and make people at ease I guess.

    In an ideal world, I would love to be able to hide my pregnancy from my family until the baby was born, hopefully alive and healthy. I worry for my mom and for my little sister, I know what you mean something inside them shattered too. I can still hear my mom’s voice telling me that the girls would be fine, we never had any problems with pregnancy or childbirth in our family.

    I would love to be able to hide my pregnancy and the fact that I was once pregnant and had a new baby from everyone else until the baby was two year old, at least.

    I think that I will probably wait until 12 weeks to tell anyone (possibly even my husband!), then tell my family, then tell everyone else when I can no longer hide it. I don’t know why, God knows things go wrong after 12 weeks and before 12 weeks. There is no ‘safe’ anymore.

    For obvious reasons I want to avoid having any scans, let alone one that would tell me the sex. But I guess that would be incredibly stupid of me. I can understand that worry about attaching. I assume I’ll attach more if I know the sex but I’m not sure which sex I would find ‘easier’ to handle. Like you, I sometimes think a baby of the opposite sex to G would be easier.

    And you’re right. So right. All we can do is march out in the face of it, laugh in the face of it and love and hope and trust that these hypothetical new babies will make it. I don’t regret the love that I gave the girls, as it turned out, I didn’t have much time to love one of them. She was truly loved from one end of her existence to the other. If anything of her persists now, I still love her.

    Gah, really, really long comment. Sorry. xx


  2. Oh my…It seems all of us moms who have lost think or feel almost the same things. I can’t stop thinking about these things as well. I want so much to ttc but it is too early of course. Hubby says it gives me time to think and sort things out…BIG LIE. Sure. I think, but that’s the problem…all I do is think.

    Christy…I think when the time comes for your mom it will fall into place (I hope it does).


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