Lists.

Am having trouble finding my voice, so instead I’m listing things that are….on my mind, or worrying me right now. Perhaps I’ll develop some of them into posts later, or perhaps I’ll make all of you go “OH GREAT, ONE OF THOSE BLOGGERS WHO ONLY DOES LISTS” and then give up on me. Please don’t? I swear it’s not permanent.

1. I’m scared I’m pregnant.

2. I’m scared I’m not pregnant.

3. I’m scared that if I am pregnant and it’s another boy I’ll automatically assume the worst.

4. I’m scared of actually quitting my job and just staying at home.

5. I’m horrified by the idea of going back to work.

6. I’m worried Anika will be totally bored being home with me all the time (despite the fact that I AM FUN, darn it).

7. I’m worried that I’ll get pregnant and then be a useless basket case trying to take care of Ani.

8. I’m annoyed that potty training does not seem to be one of my key parenting skills. (But secretly, I don’t mind if she wants to stay in diapers and be my baby a little while longer).

9. I’m also annoyed that I don’t seem to have any inclination to try to take her soothers away. (But secretly, I don’t mind if she wants to keep her soother and be my baby a little while longer. Plus, she’s quiet when that thing is in her mouth).

See? I can’t even come up with 10 things – *I*, get stuck at 9. Am awesome.

Lets focus on this whole pregnant/notpregnant thing for a second. First, to be clear, we are not really trying. I’m not playing with OPKs, timing things perfectly – nothing like that. We’re just not doing anything particularly….preventative either.

It’s such a weird position to be in. I remember both times I tried to get pregnant with the kids it was like a big psych-up “trying” thing. With Ani it took us a year to conceive. With Oliver, two or three months. I remember the wretched disappointment each month when it didn’t work, with both pregnancies. I remember the elation both times it did work. I honestly can’t imagine what it must be like for the poor people out there who have trouble conceiving….it must be so hard. My heart just breaks for them because even with Oliver when I *knew* I could conceive and everything else I was still crushed when it didn’t work right away. (I mean, “right away” – how ridiculous right? Three months is NOTHING, and I know that. But when you are trying I guess each month is it’s own little mini-drama).

Here’s the thing, I think. I don’t actually know what to feel this time. The last two times it was clear – not pregnant…sad. Pregnant…happy! But this time…trying, or not preventing, or whatever the heck we’re doing….I just don’t know what to think, or to feel. Do I want to be pregnant again? Yes? I think? Do I want it to be this month? I don’t know? Sure? Maybe? NO PLEASE NO? All of the above? It’s just so very fraught. I go praying one second that God won’t let me conceive this month to praying the next second that it will be twins this time. HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE!??

It doesn’t.  Oh well. I guess that’s part of the just trusting isn’t it…just seeing what happens.

I hope…I just hope I’m ready for whatever the answer is, this month or next month or six months from now.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Ha, but it does make sense!!! That’s exactly how i felt when I was hoping to get pregnant. And even though I am pregnant now, I still think like that. Like I should be happy, but actually I’m so shit scared that I can’t possibly be happy. It sounds perfectly normal to me. Not being pregnant means you’re constantly thinking that you can’t possibly be happy. But then the thought of actually being pregnant scares you half to death. Yep, been there, doing that.

    Reply

  2. I write lists like this all the time-and most of the time I am great at feeling two completely opposite feelings at the same time. I cannot have twins again. All I want is to have twins again. I have no idea how you get pregnant after a loss like the one we’ve been through…the thought of it is so terrifying. I’m so scared and I don’t even have the doctors ok yet. You’ve got support here when you need it!

    Reply

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