The List, revisited.

Oi. So many thoughts floating around in my head these days and like ZERO ability to translate them into anything coherent. So very frustrating. I figured in lieu of something more intelligent to write for the moment I’d revisit the list from a couple of posts ago. I have some other stuff brewing but think I need to chew on them a bit more to get them to make any sense.

So in re-examining the list – first up! That whole pregnant/not pregnant thing. I still don’t know this month. I do know that any pretense of trying to “avoid the peak times” was um….spectacularly out the window. (I basically prayed and put it in God’s hands, and promptly ovulated a good five days earlier than normal. Never let it be said that the Almighty doesn’t have a sense of humour.) The result is that yes, there is a chance, and I will probably know soon. But the thing that’s really flipping me out about this a little bit is that…I have no idea what I want. Every other time I tried to get pregnant, I was, you know, TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. So it was very clear – pregnant, happy. Not pregnant, sad. The end. This time….Well. I will be happy, I think. If I totally had my way about it I’d probably say my ideal was to get pregnant in the early fall or something – but as I’ve said before, this experience has taught me very strongly that things are not always in our control, and sometimes it’s much better for sanity to just LET IT BE. Let it be out of my control. Let my body, my family, my soul, my God do whatever work they need to do, and you know, somehow it will be okay. It will even be good.  I refuse to believe anything less.

So there is that.

As far as the “what to do/how I’ll feel if it’s another boy” thing…I think it’s a bridge I’ll cross later. Not today. I don’t think it’s one you can really cross until you are standing before it. I hope I’ll be able to stare as fearlessly at that bridge as I’m trying to stare at the current bridges. And ladders. And cliffs. And elephants – I’m pretty sure there’s an elephant there somewhere.

On the job front, I’ve actually kind of made peace with the idea of quitting. I think…I think I’m done. I love being with Ani. She’s FUN darn it. And I’M fun when I’m with her. So as long as nothing catastrophic happens to Brandon’s job between now and the time my sick leave is up, I think I will walk. Maybe I’ll even skip. Prance a little? Something with style anyway!

I had a bunch of things on that list that I think were just irrational fear. Ani being bored? Pfffft. We have fun. When I fear I’m being boring, I let her cook, or I bust out the stickers, or we play dress up. And she has fun. So it’s all good. I was being silly. I am like that sometimes.

POTTY TRAINING. Oh my gosh, BREAKTHROUGH (thank the Lord because oh my gosh if I’d had to deal with one more mess I might have had a stroke). She’s been accident free for four days now, and tonight she actually pooped on the potty. I realize for many people that is way too much information but I ask your indulgence because you have NO IDEA HOW LONG I HAVE WAITED FOR THIS DAY. Seriously – there is so much about parenting that I get. I get it that kids are messy and are going to mash food in their hair sometimes. It’s fine. It happens. Ew, but whatever. I also get that sometimes they go through crappy sleep cycles. Not fun for anyone, but again – I get it. Dirt, messes, falling, etc. I GET. It’s fine. Sitting around in one’s own excrement when one has clearly reached a point where they know better?? I DO NOT GET THIS AT ALL. Gah. Gah, gah gah. WHY? Anyway. Today we have caught a glimpse of the other side…and dude, I am HAPPY. (Am finished now. Many apologies for wonton capitalization).

So, that’s the list recap. I think we’re making progress…maybe anyway.

On another note, I have had an interesting day today….I was doing a bunch of filing (we were oh, way way WAY behind on this) and so I had to catch up….and I had to create a folder for Oliver’s stuff. His health card, birth records, all of that stuff. And you know, I used the bluest, most permanent marker I could find along with the brightest, happiest, yellowest file folder. It’s so stupid, but I really like that he has a place of some permanence in our filing cabinet. (*To be clear, memory box stuff is different. And also disorganized, but different. This is just silly paperwork, nothing that really matters).


One response to this post.

  1. I love this post because wow…it is like reading about my journey. TTC is on my mind the more Dr. says not to even think about it. The question if it’s a boy again what will I do…yep, I think about it all the time. And I love the filing part…funny, not stupid at all. It’s funny how little things come up and we know that we would never take notice if our babies were alive. And you’re right, it is great that he has that permanence in the cabinet. I wish I could get to that point.

    Great post Christy.


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