Imprints

I have a Pandora charm bracelet. My mom, my sister, and my aunt all have them as well – my parents gave me mine for my birthday this year. I was in the hospital at the time, and they brought it to me with two charms on it – an “A” and a frog. Both of those are to represent Anika (the frog is because she loves jumping, and has since she was teeny – silly, but it made me smile).

When Oliver died my dad bought us all O’s – one for my mom, my sister, my aunt and I.

So now I have an A and an O on my bracelet, and Anika knows that the A is for her and the O is for “baby oller”.

The thing is, I want to get another charm to represent Oliver, like I have the frog for Anika. But….I don’t know what to get for him.

I have thought about a heart, because we prayed so hard about his heart defect….and when he was born his heart was good. Not perfect, but so very much better than we thought it would be.

I thought about a bible, because in his life and death we experienced God so vividly – and it’s changed how we look at our faith so much.

I thought about  a pacifier, because he loved his and some of my favourite pictures of him are when he had it.

I thought about an angel because, well, duh. But this angel doesn’t look anything like what I imagine real angels look like. I have a vision of an angel standing with us when we were letting him go, surrounding us with his wings; protecting us and weeping with us. That angel was awesome and powerful and full of light and love and compassion and awesomeness. Not the stuff of Hallmark cards.

I also like the little bird – because I referred to him as my baby bird sometimes – he was so small and light when you held him. And he squeaked like a little baby bird when he cried.

It’s driving me a bit nuts though because I just don’t know. I don’t know what is him. I don’t know who he would have been, what he would have liked doing. What things he would have laughed at; whether he would have liked sleeping on his back or his side; whether he would have kicked his feet on the change table. Whether we would have teased him about being a soccer player or whether he would have remained a more quiet and watchful little guy.

It’s the loss hitting again I guess – so much lost potential. So many unknowns. I can imagine what he might have been like, but I don’t get to know, not really. I miss him, and I really really miss not knowing who he might have been.

It’s just a silly bracelet, but I want him represented – something OF him, not just his name. Something that will make me smile and think of whatever it was that he liked doing. Or something. It’s all searching I guess….searching for what was lost but what can’t be found.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. That’s a tough one. I don’t know. But I don’t know for my own kids either. I wouldn’t know what to use to represent my daughter or my son. I was just thinking about it, and I’m at a loss. I’ll have to give it some thought. Hope you find something for your bracelet.

    Reply

  2. It’s so hard. The not knowing. What they would like, what they would have BEEN like. Like you, I am not so keen on the angel. My idea of an angel sounds much more like yours, I don’t see them as something cute and fluffy. But I suppose that it isn’t the actual angel charm so much, as what its presence on your bracelet represents to you?
    I love all the others but especially the heart and the bird.
    I hope you find the right one for Oliver and for you. xx

    Reply

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