I have been thinking this week about hope, and about how really that is the thing that keeps me going so much of the time. My hope and trust in where Oliver is now, and that I *will* see him again one day. My hope in what my family can be, will be. The things I hope for my friends, for my family.

I did not get pregnant last month. I am neither happy nor sad about that, not really. It’s better, I think, that I am not dealing with a pregnancy that tracked Oliver’s exactly, a due date that would have been mere days from his. But you know what? I am sad, a little. I was disappointed. On some level, I really wanted to be. And that too gives me hope. Hope that when we do conceive again, I will be more happy and excited than scared.

I told my boss last week that I likely will not return to work. He is such a wonderful man – he is happy for me and excited about what that means for me, and for Brandon and Ani and any other children we might have. He thinks it’s a great decision. I am really nervous about it (because oh my goodness have you SEEN the economy?!?) but overall it is the right thing, I think. There’s so very much more to life than money.

So disjointed. I can’t seem to string thoughts together these days to save my life.

Yesterday Oliver would have been six months old. I can’t believe it’s been half a year. I also can’t believe it hasn’t been forever. I can’t remember sometimes what it was like not to have known him, and the grief that accompanied losing him. It’s such a strange thing really, the passage of time. It’s so strange to think that six months ago I was holding him in my arms and thinking about when he’d be able to come home.

This week I need to try to help a friend of a friend. I don’t know how really but I will try. Her story is not mine to tell but basically she’s quite pregnant with her second and facing some similar things – high risk pregnancy; delivery; issues for the baby. I don’t know what the odds are for the baby. I want to help her as much as I can – she will deliver in the same hospital; with the same doctors…but the thing I struggle with is I only know one outcome; I only know my story. I can’t tell her what will happen. And I don’t want to frighten her – I want to make sure she hangs onto that hope and fights as hard as she can for that baby. How do I help her? I know that I have to try…I just hope I don’t botch it somehow.

This hope thing…it’s just so important isn’t it? It feels like sometimes I have to be so intentional about it – reach out and grab it with both hands and refuse to let go of it…no matter what. Hoping that we’ll have more kids; that they will be full term and healthy; that Anika will have a great life; that we will see Oliver in heaven one day; that all of these trials will just work out somehow, because they have to….they just have to. How do you hold onto hope? What do you do when other people challenge the hopes you have?


3 responses to this post.

  1. You are right – there is so much more to life than money. Money is important, but it’s not all-important.

    As for time, the time since my baby Freyja died has just flown by. Three years it has been already, and at the same time it feels like forever and like yesterday. How is that possible? And Kees’ death couldn’t have been 18 months already … but it is.

    Hope, without it there is no point. I’ve thought about hope a lot in the last 3 years. Actually it’s pretty much all I’ve been thinking. I’ve Freyja died, I had hope for another child. After Kees died, I had hope for another child. Now I’m about to have that final child. There’s only hope. Because if there’s no more hope, I don’t know what I’ll do.



  2. Congratulations on making the decision to not return to work. I’m struggling with that decision myself as well, so I like hearing of someone who’s made that choice.

    I feel somedays that hope is all I have. Hope for brighter days in the future, hope that we’ll be blessed with another little one who’ll come home with us, hope, its all we can plan for I think.

    Much love to you.


  3. Firstly thank you for your suggestion about the crown and the bib. I am going to wear them and take a picture of myself and Jessica together. So that, in the future, she can see that I didn’t forget her sister on their birthday.

    I am so pleased for you Christy. You are right, there is so much more to life than money. If we could pay the bills on my husband’s salary alone I would do the same thing. I’m sure that Ani will love having you at home with her.

    It would have been hard having another pregnancy that tracked Oliver’s so closely but then there is that whole wanting similarity / not wanting similarity thing that I feel when I think about a subsequent pregnancy.

    I think I just have to hope. Because it is all I can do.
    The same reason I still pray I guess. I don’t know if it necessarily helps but it is all I can think of to do. In the face of this. When I want to try and do something to help and there isn’t anything.

    I think that my inability to stop hoping, praying or indeed living is kind of an act of desperation. I think I do them all simply because I don’t know what else I can do. xx


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: