Seriously now.

I feel I’ve been waaay too serious and sad and just…heavy lately. Too focused on what happened; on what *should* have happened. Too focused on the past. Too curious and uncertain about the future. What’s that word again?? Oh right, EMOTIONAL. Or perhaps CRAZY LIKE A STRAW is a better analogy. But I digress.

In spite of all of that, we’ve been having a really fun summer. It’s been cold and wet, but enh, what can you do.

We have been playing in the rain! Sideways apparently! Because¬† I’m a blogging moron who doesn’t know how to rotate this! Help? Oh no wait I figured it out. Thank goodness. Feeling much less stupid now.

Ani_in_rain

And going for bike rides! bike_riding_fools

And for those keeping score at home, no, I don’t really look like that (I am much less shiny in real life. I hope.), and yes, I did wear a helmet before getting on the bike. It’s not as cool as Ani’s but you know. Safety first.

Perhaps the coolest thing that one of us in our house has been working on this summer is learning how to swim. And fling herself off the diving board. It is HILARIOUS. I keep waiting for something to scare her but nothing does, ever. She thinks ALL of it is fun. Trying to swim without her floaties (muscles, as she calls them), and sinking like a rock. LOVES. All of it.

AniJumping

So it is not all sad stuff here I guess. There is a lot of fun happening too. It’s such a weird dichotomy isn’t it? I feel on one hand like I shouldn’t be having fun because my baby died – and if that happened, how can there be anything fun ever? But on the other hand…I do have fun. I have lots of fun.

I feel sometimes like I represent something not quite true here – like I’m too focused on the sad, and dealing with losing my boy. It’s not how I am all the time, and it feels almost disloyal to Anika and our life to paint that picture. But….it’s the only place I can go through it really. Other people don’t understand, not really. Losing a baby….it’s a “worst nightmare” for so many people and I don’t want to cause them hurt. These people are my friends, my family – why would I want to hurt them? But I still need to go through it somewhere….and here feels safe.

So I realize this is kind of a lame post, so for you, my friends, I give you this: The Brownie Project. I highly recommend this site but it is a little bit dangerous. And yes, the mint filled brownie cupcakes TOTALLY are that good. I haven’t made anything else off of the site yet but there are a lot of promising candidates. Now don’t say I never gave you anything :).

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4 responses to this post.

  1. You know the whole “worst nightmare” comment? Well, losing a baby (or two, as I did) is much, much worse than a nightmare. Because I will never wake up and think, it was only a nightmare. This is my reality. Day in and day out. Every living, waking moment – my babies are still dead. I still am a mother to two dead children. No living children. I envy people who think it’s a nightmare. I wish it was a nightmare for me.

    Reply

  2. Christy – I often feel the same – the dichotomy. When you have a busy toddler, the sweet is mixed with bitter and the bitter is mixed with sweet – so I can understand the desire and need to find the joy and happiness – the fun – in your days.

    Reply

  3. Glad you’re looking at all of this from many perspectives…This is one of the best posts Christy, not lame, wonderful really.

    The sadness needs to be recognized and dealt with…you little girls looks so happy.

    Reply

  4. Sorry Christy…little girl..not (girls).

    Reply

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