Sigh.

I’ve got a picture post coming; I swear I do….it’s just that I’m having a hard time coming up with the energy to post pictures of clothes I made when the sad news about Craig and Mirne’s son has taken over my head. It just seems a little too frivolous somehow. I am still me though (and still occasionally frivolous) so I will do it soon.

Today I am….argh. I don’t even know. Today I found out that an old friend of mine is pregnant. This girl was my BEST friend from pretty much birth. We grew up together; we were close all the way through highschool (although we had different circles of friends then really). We were close. We drifted after university; I moved to Boston for awhile; she went up north to teach, where she met her husband and stayed. We were bridesmaids in each others’ weddings. Our parents still live a street away from each other and are still part of each others’ lives. Her mom looks after Ani sometimes when she stays with my parents. I still talk to her parents sometimes, but I haven’t spoken to her in awhile now. We used to keep up via email and occasional phone calls but truthfully she was never very interested in me. She always wanted to talk about what she was doing, and she rarely showed any interest in what I was doing. And she always seemed vaguely defensive – I don’t know why really.

She never wanted kids; has maintained for years that she didn’t want them. We all thought that was really sad. I knew her mom desperately wanted to be a grandmother – she dotes on Anika when we see her. And I just thought it was a shame – this girl would be a good mom I think. I hope.

The thing that upsets me is that this girl – this girl who knew me my whole life; who was my best friend for so very long – she never once contacted me when Oliver died. She didn’t even write an email. Not a card; not anything. I didn’t need much; it’s not like I was looking for grandiose gestures or anything – just a “hey, I heard about this and I’m so sorry that happened.” Something. Some acknowledgement. But I didn’t get anything.

And now….now I learn that she is pregnant. She’s due in March. And I really am happy for her. For her mother certainly. I think it’s a good thing for their family. I do think she’ll be a good mom. But I can’t help it – a big part of me just kind of wants to shrug and say “So?”.

It’s not “me” to ignore this news. I would normally send a note or a card and congratulate her. I would normally do something. Send a gift when the time comes. But I’m angry – I’m angry that I didn’t mean enough to her to even acknowledge when the darkest thing in the world happened to me. That at a time when I needed every last scrap of support I could get, I didn’t get it from her – someone that should have been there for me in some way.

I don’t know what to do. I want to be able to rise above it and be the bigger person, but at the same time I’m tired. I’m tired of being the bigger person. I don’t want to rise above it. Part of the problem is I know I’m a little jealous too. She’s pregnant and I’d really like to be. It makes no sense to be jealous – I have a living daughter who is wonderful. I know I can get pregnant; I know I likely will be pregnant again. But still. GAH.

The problem is I know me. I know that I will not be happy with the kind of person I am if I don’t acknowledge this. But I so don’t want to. What would you do? Send an email? Send a note via post so that I eliminate any risk of getting into a dialogue?

Sigh.

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3 responses to this post.

  1. Honestly? No, I wouldn’t do anything. Sure it sounds like I am being the petty person, but she wasn’t there for you for THE biggest heartbreak of your life. She doesn’t deserve a friend like you. I had two friends, or two people I thought were my friends. They were both supportive (to an extent), after we lost E, but after we lost L, nothing. I didn’t hear anything from them. One of them, like you had been in my life forever. We were best friends, she was my made of honour…and now nothing. She STILL hasn’t contacted me, and the other one, well she sends me random messages talking about everything and nothing…of course, nothing to acknowledge my loss. My one friend (not the best friend from childhood, the other one), had a new baby boy in February. Just one month after what should have been my due date with E. It was the HARDEST thing I did, but I did it. I went to the hospital to celebrate with her, I held her baby boy, I bought gifts for him…it broke me inside, but I put me aside for her joy. And then this…Too bad for them, i’m done. I’m done being the bigger person. For once, I am going to be selfish for me. I’m sorry you too had someone in your life who didn’t acknowledge Oliver…he is a precious baby boy who deserves all the love in the world, from everyone. She isn’t a friend, she never was truly your friend. If she was, she would have been there for you when you needed her the most.

    Many *hugs*

    Reply

  2. GAH indeed. I just love that expression by the way and I now use it all the time myself. I completely stole it from you, I hope you don’t mind. And GLARGH.

    I’m so sorry. It is puzzlingly why some people react the way they do. I’ve just finished reading a book about having a baby in the NICU. In one of the sections, it describes how most of the people you know will fall into one of three categories, ‘Rocks’, ‘Wanna-Be-Theres’ and ‘Gingerbread Men’. I think this friend of yours turned out to be a Gingerbread Man. As in she ran, ran as fast as she could. In the opposite direction. Some of my friends did too, people who I considered good friends. It sucks. And it is tiring ALWAYS having to be the bigger person, the one who has to rise above it, the one who just has to swallow all the anger. Sigh. Gah. Glargh.

    I would like to think I would stand my ground and ignore her but I just know that I would end up sending a note in the post. Like you I think I wouldn’t be happy with myself I didn’t acknowledge her pregnancy at all. Maybe you could make it quite formal to kind of ‘put her off’ a bit.

    Perhaps there isn’t a good solution here but look after yourself first. Would it make you more unhappy with yourself to acknowledge her pregnancy or to ignore it? I think that this person has made you unhappy enough already by refusing to acknowledge your son’s life, don’t let her trouble you any further.

    Reply

  3. You know what? I couldn’t even answer any of these questions. It would be nice to acknowledge her pregnancy, because you are obviously more thoughtful than she is (listening all the while about her “stuff” while she didn’t care for yours), so yeah, I would say ask yourself how much is this person worth to me?

    O.k. I am babbling, because I can’t think straight either, as my sister just had her baby and I feel like a jerk, a ticking time-bomb and an auntie who wants to embrace her niece. My sis was totally there, but yeah, sometimes people can’t be there enough you know what I mean.

    O.k. babbling again…will go. Good luck Kristy..*Hugs*

    Reply

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