So I vanished again – beach vacation with the family; rough life I know. But it was nice; we’ve never gone anywhere with my side of the family so a week on the Outer Banks of North Carolina was pretty spectacular. I frolicked in the ocean every single day regardless of how cold it might have been (or how raining for that matter) and you know, it was AWESOME. I love getting beaten around by the waves and trying to surf and snorting salt water. It was great fun, and great fun to introduce Ani to it (she was terrified. But really liked sand castles).
I’ve been thinking about time a lot tonight. How long it’s been, what he would have been doing. And it’s weird, but it feels like it happened in an alternate universe, not this one. There’s normal every day time and then there’s this other rip in that whole time space continuum thing and THAT is where everything that happened was. It didn’t happen here at all. I don’t look at other babies and be sad and wonder what he would have been doing because he wasn’t ever part of this reality. Or something. I don’t know. Maybe my mind is just really good at building clever defense mechanisms; I don’t know.
To illustrate the point, we got a card from the nicu at the hospital today. It was really very sweet, an “It’s been nearly 10 months since you lost him; we are thinking of you and remembering him fondly.” And I thought “Huh, that’s nice. I wonder if the nurses there do remember him really? Did he make an impression on any of them?” Brandon said “It’s nice they have people at the hospital that do that.” And we went on our way. Lalalalala. And it was about two hours later when I was putting Anika to bed that I started wondering about two things. The first was that I’m not sure where they found Anika’s name. She was never allowed in the hospital there because of flu season and stuff so no one there ever met her. How did that happen? And the second was when I started counting months on my fingers and realized that it has NOT been almost 10 months since we lost him. It’s been almost 8.
WHAT KIND OF PERSON AM I?? How can it possibly have taken me HOURS to recognize that there was a problem with how old they said my son would have been? What kind of dumb ass mother doesn’t know that?!? I….don’t even know. No idea. All I can figure is that I’ve somehow separated the idea of him from the “here”. He wasn’t supposed to be here. So he’s not. So I don’t even connect those things. Sigh. GaaaaAAAAaaahh.
I miss him though. I wish he was here. I wish it was different. I wish I was saying “Yeah, he’s almost 8 months….he’s finally sitting on his own!” Or, “I haven’t slept in days because dude won’t stop GROWING TEETH already!” Or any of those normal things. Normal. What a concept.
Anyway. I have missed you my little blog and I shall endeavour to actually update you a little more frequently now that I am no longer flitting away for various adventures. Picture post coming as soon as I manage to get them off of my camera. Yep, am awesome.
Be Still 
Posted by Catherine W on October 13, 2009 at 2:56 am
Okay green with envy now. I love the ocean. When I was little we used to stand in the sea with the intention of getting knocked down by the waves and rolled to the shore.
Sometimes I do that whole rip in the space time continuum thing. Too strange. Maybe I just don’t want to accept that she doesn’t carry on somewhere else?
I wish that Oliver was here doing all those normal things, growing his teeth, sitting up.
The card from the NICU was a nice gesture, bit strange that they managed to find out Anika’s name. Perhaps it is in Oliver’s notes somewhere? And I honestly don’t imagine I would keep track of the months (without having to resort to counting on my fingers) if it wasn’t for the obvious reason. I guess I’m always going to know exactly how long it’s been. Sigh. I don’t think you are a dumb ass mother. xo
Posted by Salma on October 13, 2009 at 9:05 am
Sounds like you have been having a good time…Nothing like letting it all out especially at the beach.
With everything that’s happened, forgetting the months isn’t something you should feel bad about. Actually I wish i could stop counting, but it hasn’t been that long for me, and you are in no way dumb…
We are getting through these things not knowing where we are going necessarily, and definitely NEVER expecting to be here (where ever here is)…SIGH.
And the mechanism that you are speaking about…I feel that way sometimes, and then it hits me so hard…GAH for sure.
Posted by Kristy on October 13, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I think in a way its good you aren’t so focused on the “what ifs” the “where he should be”, “what he should be doing now”, counting down every month…I wish I could be like that. I wish that my losses don’t encompass me so much. Not because I don’t want to remember my baby boys, but because its so hard, so exhausting. I never used to know the date, I would just go along with today is Monday, Tuesday, whatever…now I always seem to know what the date is. When I don’t, I panic that maybe I missed the 9th, the 11th or the 16th. Those 3 days are engraved in my mind, I wish they signified something more special, and not days that represent when my baby boys were born and left. Wishing you peace. “*hugs*