Hiatus, Unintentional.

Pardon me while I take a minute and dust off this blog. Hello? Is this thing on?

Wheeeee.

So, I know I disappeared for a while – kind of a long while actually. I didn’t mean to. It was one of those things where I was wrestling with some things and it caught me off guard. And then some stuff happened and then some more stuff happened and then….then I was wrestling with DIFFERENT things but I didn’t know how to put those things all together and then it became one of those things where there was simply too much and too much old back story to pick up the thread again and write here.

But the thing is, I missed it here and I didn’t want to just walk off into the sunset and let this fall to nothing. So I am back. I think. And I will fill in some of the back story so that when I start my next verbal wrestling match it makes some amount of sense. (Note: I did say *some*. At least there will be context – that’s a good thing, right?).

After we got back from the beaches in October I hit a bit of a low. Not a long one, and not something that flattened me – I wasn’t even particularly depressed about Oliver or anything – just kind of sad in general. It was triggered I think by the H1N1 outbreak, and hearing about a young girl who died in the hospital where Oliver died. And I know – it’s a children’s hospital; one of the best in the province. And the nature of that is that there are kids who will die there. I know there were probably way too many before Oliver died and have been way too many since. But all I could think about when I heard about the eleven year old dying was “Oh God, I know.” I mean, I obviously have no CLUE what the pain is of losing an older child. I can’t begin to fathom what it’s like to lose not only the potential of a future, but the memories – the loss of a person who you will miss whose life is cut way too short. But I do know that the hard part for her parents wasn’t watching her slip away no matter how hard that was. It was standing up – whenever that happened – and walking out of the hospital. That is the part that haunts me; the part I can’t erase. The part where I had to put him down and physically force myself to leave. To walk away, knowing I wouldn’t be back and there was no reason for me to go back. I felt for those parents so acutely.

That put me in a bit of a funk for a bit – and lit a fire under me to get myself and my people vaccinated (done and done). I also put my (now blessedly defunct) professional writing career to good use and wrote a trifold for my doctor’s office explaining the deal with H1N1 and what to do; where to go for information; etc. And then some other dr’s offices in other parts of the province got wind of it and requested copies tailored for their regions, so I did that too. It was fun in the end.

So then the stuff happened. The stuff is simply that I am pregnant again. I am a little nervous but mostly just freakishly happy. It just feels so completely like its own thing – it’s connected to Oliver, a little, but it’s not at the same time – it’s not a repeat of my pregnancy with him any more than my pregnancy with him was a repeat of my pregnancy with Anika. So I’m moving forward in faith and hoping for the best. I’m fifteen and a half weeks now and have had two ultrasounds so far – so far things look good. They won’t rule out a previa this early (Lord, please no), but it’s looking good so far. I have a detailed anatomy scan on the 16th of Feb and a cardiac ultrasound as well, and if both of those things are normal then I “graduate” from being high risk to being a regular old pregnancy. I am obviously praying pretty hard for that outcome – but I’m trying to really stay in the moment and be joyful about where I am at any given moment. So for today, I’m fifteen and a half weeks. Yesterday, on my birthday, I felt the baby move for the first time and I am feeling pretty good.

So I guess that brings me to the bigger and current dilemma and that is what to do with this space. I want this blog to be about my life – the big catastrophic event but also the regular life stuff. Because of when I started it and what happened so soon after this blog became (necessarily) about Oliver; about losing him; about picking up the pieces; and about missing him. And now….now. Now it still needs to be that, sometimes. But not all the time. Because in so many ways, I feel like I’m letting him go – not in a bad way; not forgetting him; but releasing him and releasing him with joy. I LOVED him. He was my son and of course I’d give anything to have him here but he’s not here. He’s free; he’s somewhere else and I’m happy for him. I’m happy he was part of my life, even if it was brief. I’m happy that for the rest of my life he is my son. I believe, fervently, that I will be with him again one day in Heaven. I sincerely believe that. And I don’t know if that’s why I’m feeling more at peace with things or if there’s some other reason….I worry about it, actually. It seems like there are so many people who take a much longer time to let go, and I worry that I’m somehow rushing a process that can’t be rushed or trying to “sweep something under the carpet” somehow. I don’t think I am really; I think that what I would tell someone else writing this is “everyone has their road to travel; whatever that road is. Your road is your own and it will take what it takes.” But when it’s yourself you are second guessing it’s so much harder. So I guess what I’m wrestling with is whether I can let this blog be simply about us and our lives. Whether it needs to be simply a space that is and was about Oliver, and if I want to write about other things I need to go do something somewhere else. I don’t want to – it feels like editing somehow and I don’t want to edit. I just want to be.

I think I’m going to keep writing here for a while and just see how it goes.

And in other exciting news, stay tuned for an update on the baby shower drama. (For those who remember my plight a few months ago, the shower is now coming up in a few weeks….and now I can’t even drink at it. I’m happy I can’t drink but if EVER there was a time where I’d need one….oy.)

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4 responses to this post.

  1. I am so so happy for you and I have to say that I knew it, but I didn’t want to bother you in your quiet place.
    Glad to have you back and I am happy for your news.

    Salma

    Reply

  2. Posted by Catherine W on January 21, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    How nice to see your blog pop up in my reader today.

    I’m so happy to hear your pregnancy news! I’m glad to hear that everything is looking good, long may it continue.

    I don’t think you need to worry about rushing. Oliver will always be your son and you will always love him. I think the feelings of happiness that you’ve expressed in this post are amazingly beautiful. I hope to feel the same myself one day and I trust that I will. I often feel that the anger and the bitterness and even the sorrow that I feel aren’t really anything to do with my daughter. Her existence was a joy to me and that is what I should remember.

    Oh and the baby shower. No drinking? Ouch. For the most perfect, wonderful reason in the world but still. Ouch. x

    Reply

  3. I’m so glad to see an update from you! And so, so happy for your pregnancy news. I am 15 1/2 weeks along, too (due July 9th or 11th, I’m trying not to focus on that date so I honestly don’t remember). I’ve totally struggled with blogging about this pregnancy, but these places are for us-for our support. I’ll be here reading if you’re here writing 🙂

    Reply

  4. Nice to “see” you back. I hope the break helped your mind set. You sound great, and so very excited about the future. CONGRATS on such wonderful, a beautiful little rainbow baby. Write what you want on your blog, about Oliver, about this new baby, about Anika, about nothing at all. Its YOUR blog, so write from your heart. *hugs*

    Reply

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